it’s never the sadness that hurts the most. it’s the numbness. the feeling of not actually feeling anything. just being stuck in this endless loop of nothingness all the time. almost wishing you could feel that sadness or that anger again. wishing you could feel a sliver of something. anything.

the numbness is what brings the demons back. it’s not the depression or the anxiety. it’s the empty feelings that make the little voices in the back of my head awaken and tell me to hurt myself or to starve myself. they tell me to do anything that will make me feel something.

what happens when all the things you used to use to feel still don’t get rid of the numbness? what happens when cutting,starving and drinking don’t even bring my emotions to the surface anymore?

it’s just like my brain is hungry and my body is hungry but also neither my brain nor my body is hungry at all so it’s both comforting and confusing

the-moon-whisperer:

no longer in my this is me trying era

in my this is me giving up era

broken fr fr

when you have Airbuds and it tells your friends you listened to the most heart breaking gut wrenching song 66 times in the past week 😲😳

me impatiently waiting until 9:15 so I can have my second granola bar even though I literally feel like I am dying

me in therapy: no im so tired of being afraid of food and feeling bad for eating I need to know how to fix this

me the minute I get into the car to leave: ooo lemme check out edblr

anxietyproblem:

(via bpd-and-myself)

saw this at hobby lobby yesterday And thought it was a blade necklace at first

i hate this feeling. feeling better than i have in literal years but i still want to hurt myself. i miss hurting myself. i had the best day ever. truly the best day ever but here i am imagining running that blade over my thighs over and over and over again. i am getting better but i still want to cut and starve myself and purge every meal I eat. do these thoughts ever truly stop? do i just continue to not do them and one day this will just go away? its a little bit exhausting. i see every single day how i am getting better. i am putting myself together again piece by piece but these thoughts never seem to go away. when i am alone with myself i feel like i don’t know peace. i don’t know how to just be okay being alone with myself. I used to think these feelings were cause by anxiety and depression but im not depressed or overly anxious anymore and i still want to do these things. its confusing and awful.

thefishybish:

if only it wasn’t the binge eating part of the disorder 🙄🙄🙄

thegumunderyourdesk:

i’ll eat smth and be like

“idrc abt my weight anymore i wanna be happy”

and then…

*sobs*

help-here-for-depressed-peers:

jupiters-saddest-alien:

I don’t wanna get out of bed. I don’t wanna eat. I don’t wanna go to work. I don’t want to go anywhere. I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up.